it was there.....

The more time I spend time with little ones, the more obvious it is to me that I missed it.

Smoochie exhibited the early signs of autism.

I missed it, or ignored it. But it was there.

There are probably many reasons for my ignoring  missing it. He was the youngest. Everybody helped him, spoke for him and generally love the "baby". His pregnancy and birth almost killed me and I couldn't believe that this perfect, wanted, baby could be less than perfect. God wouldn't do that to me again.

As I spend time with my 18 month old God-daughter and I see how bright and aware she is, I realize that I didn't see that in James. He made eye contact with me, but he didn't see me. He had great gross motor skills, so there weren't delays to set off alarm bells there. He wasn't sickly, and only really screamed at night. He cooed on cue, blew raspberries, gurgled and had 12 words at 12 months.

But then something went wrong. It all stopped. And it can't be vaccines because I don't vaccinate.

I remember a sliver of concern, a nagging doubt. But toddlers all develop at different rates and there weren't any alarm bells, so it'll be ok. He'll catch up, out grow this phase.

The mother who vowed to NEVER let another person/doctor tell her that one of her disabled sons is "going through a phase" told herself it was a phase.

I don't know why I have come to this realization now, 8 years later. Is it affirmation in his diagnosis? Is it time to grieve what was lost? It is a step towards acceptance? Why am I just now seeing what was obvious in the past????

It is painful to see these little ones and with each trip I see more and more that we missed with James.

And I am sad because of it.

However, no intervention would have stopped him from being disabled. It just would have gotten him earlier.

I need to accept it was there...

a good mother would....