what was lost...

I am a revert from a long line of strong Catholic families on both sides of the family.

I LOVE the heritage of the faith from these people.  And they couldn't be more different.

My mother is 1st generation American from French and German immigrant farmers.  She was raised on the land, 11 of 12 children.  Only her youngest brother ended up with a college degree and I have 65 first cousins.  Her father died when I was 8 and her mother died when I was a sophomore in college.  A few years after my grandfather died we moved my grandmother into a house down the block from my childhood home.  We took her to the store every week, mowed her lawn and she attended mass with us.  My brothers and I simply adored this farmer's wife who made home made bread, embroidered pillow cases, by hand, and made the best cherry pie EVER!  She had a simple faith of a simple woman.  I think she had one rosary, a bible and maybe a prayer book.  I can't remember.  But I know that her faith walked with her every day of her life.

My paternal grandfather committed suicide a few weeks before I was born.  My grandmother remarried and my step grandfather is the only one I remember.  He was a free mason and mocked all things Catholic, but my grandmother kept her faith.  They were married for 35 years and she went to mass every Saturday night, but she would never take communion.  Even though she was free to be remarried, I don't know if he was.  He had been married before as well, but not being religious, I don't know if it had been a church wedding, so he could have been free to as well.  But he wouldn't play nice with Church rules and my grandmother adored him more than Jesus.  So she did what she could do to still be considered Catholic and she had a strong devotion to the Blessed Mother.  She would baby sit us when we were little, and she would make baloney sandwiches, rice crispy treats and spaghettios. She cheated at cards and my brothers and I adored her.  She was 2 of 5, born and raised in the city.  She was a professional accountant and did the books for a local grocery store in a time when women didn't typically hold such positions.  My father is an only child, so I have NO first cousins on his side!  She was a treasure trove of Catholic heritage.  I have tons of old books, bibles, rosaries, medals, prayer cards...the list could go on and on.

When I first came back to the Church and found the Latin Mass, I threw myself into the mystery of those treasures.  And with everything that I investigated from her, I learned things about my faith that I had never been taught before.  I felt connected to all the people who walked the walk of faith long before me and I was tethered to the Saints and Martyrs from those prayer cards. I grew by leaps and bounds in my faith and I wanted what they had had access to.  I thought the Catholic church was timeless, the truths endless and the Church Triumphant was connected to the Church Militant, and Church Suffering.

We committed to the Novus Ordo mass.  Enrolled the children in Catholic school and did what countless other Catholic families across the nation have done.  And I am no longer tethered to the ancient Church.  The things that captured countless Catholic families and kept them in the faith for countless generations, no longer seem to work.  My children are no stronger in the faith than I was before my revert, as countless of their peers follow with them.  Surrounding them with Catholic culture isn't transmitting the Catholic faith to them like it used to in the past.

This heritage has been lost while I was watching.  And I don't know why.  My friends tell me a new approach is needed.  That change needs to come. Our Pope is freaking me out of my comfort zone, leaving me reeling a good deal of the time.   But if we haven't mastered the heritage and respect the traditions then how do we know what to change too?  What more will be lost as we move further and further from our heritage?

I am no longer moored, tethered.  I am  scattered in the wind.  I feel my children and my Church are as well. Where are the lamp posts to light our way?  It used to be in our culture, all the Catholics could be found reveling in the Catholic Culture and it is all gone.

I am tired.  I am sad. I have lost a treasure.  And so have my children.

I guess we will rebuild.  It won't be the same.  It has to be different.  But it can still be good, very good.

I believe that with all my heart and soul.....

a good mother would!

Lost day

The  Beloved Spouse and I have the flu.

It has been a lost day.  Just trips to the bathroom and sleeping.  I am so very grateful that I no longer have itty bitties around to make demands on me during the depths of illness.  I am also very glad that I was able to get everyone delivered to their schools without an accident in the van!

No chores.  No work.  No errands.  No after school events.

Just sleep and basking in the quiet of my empty home.  Number 1 even purchased dinner so I didn't even have to cook, or quilt trip someone else into it!

It may have been a lost day, but it was most definitely a blessed one!

I hope I feel better tomorrow though,

A good mother would!