relief...

Things have been a little tense around here.

The Beloved Spouse and I are both discerning making employment changes. T-Rex was finally fired from Wal Mart and we got the other 3 into school. Right hand man seems to be thinking about making some changes, but hasn't. Smoochie has been doing his "thing".

Until this week.

Right Hand man got so drunk Tuesday night that he blacked out. He left a mess in the bathroom that thankfully the BS found before the other kids did. Wednesday morning at staff my boss tried to throw me under the bus. I didn't go willingingly, which surely was a surprise to no one.  Wednesday night Smoochie decided to run a fever and I was up from 2:30 am onward. Thursday morning, after I had no sleep, BS decided to go all cray cray on me.

It. was. ugly.

After an apology and  him leaving for work with both of us crying, I prayed and prayed at prayer group that morning. Thank goodness for holy,catholic, women friends!!!!

The BS and I went out to dinner Thursday night and worked out the issues. And had some make up martial relations. It kinda made me sad that we don't fight more often!

After dinner we came to the conclusion for which position BS should accept. What. a. relief!!!!!!

He is walking around today with world OFF his shoulders. I, too, have a tremendous sense of peace. This is the right decision for our family and I don't think we would both have such a sense of relief it were the wrong one.

No matter what happens, the Lord is in charge and it will be His will that will be done. He's got this.

So I'll just continue to be relieved!

A good mother would!

blind

I can't see.

That isn't entirely true.

I see badly.

I hate wearing glasses and now that I will need bifocals, I won't be able to wear contacts because of astigmatism. I'm seeing badly because of vanity. I refuse to wear glasses.

It is now affecting my life. At work, driving, writing, reading, you name it, I'm blind.

It is getting to the point where the ability to see is over coming my loathing of glasses.

I'll post pictures when I finally break down and get some.

It won't be long now....

it begins again....

Another school year has started.

The tight schedule, the demands of "Mom, sign this" and "Mom, I need this" with the occasional, "Mom, buy this" have begun.

How I loathe it.

This year was different. The kids looked through the school supply box and let me know what they needed because it wasn't in there. I made a list, bought it all and put it on the table. They picked out what they needed, put in their book bags and were finished. It was done.

I didn't check it. Not once.

It was a lot of fun to see them be accountable. And a whole lot easier on me!

My daughter will be driving them back and forth to school. I won't have to make a morning school run ever again. Or so I thought. And then my daughter's car broke down and now I have to drive them again.

I am so glad!!!

Making that drive was more important to me than I realized. I knew I would miss it. I just didn't know how much, until it was gone!!!!

So grateful for their independence and for the ability to drive, for a little while longer!!!!

a good mother would!

it was there.....

The more time I spend time with little ones, the more obvious it is to me that I missed it.

Smoochie exhibited the early signs of autism.

I missed it, or ignored it. But it was there.

There are probably many reasons for my ignoring  missing it. He was the youngest. Everybody helped him, spoke for him and generally love the "baby". His pregnancy and birth almost killed me and I couldn't believe that this perfect, wanted, baby could be less than perfect. God wouldn't do that to me again.

As I spend time with my 18 month old God-daughter and I see how bright and aware she is, I realize that I didn't see that in James. He made eye contact with me, but he didn't see me. He had great gross motor skills, so there weren't delays to set off alarm bells there. He wasn't sickly, and only really screamed at night. He cooed on cue, blew raspberries, gurgled and had 12 words at 12 months.

But then something went wrong. It all stopped. And it can't be vaccines because I don't vaccinate.

I remember a sliver of concern, a nagging doubt. But toddlers all develop at different rates and there weren't any alarm bells, so it'll be ok. He'll catch up, out grow this phase.

The mother who vowed to NEVER let another person/doctor tell her that one of her disabled sons is "going through a phase" told herself it was a phase.

I don't know why I have come to this realization now, 8 years later. Is it affirmation in his diagnosis? Is it time to grieve what was lost? It is a step towards acceptance? Why am I just now seeing what was obvious in the past????

It is painful to see these little ones and with each trip I see more and more that we missed with James.

And I am sad because of it.

However, no intervention would have stopped him from being disabled. It just would have gotten him earlier.

I need to accept it was there...

a good mother would....

it could have been

Sweet Smoochie is making so much progress at the clinic.

Since going full time in January he has blown through his goals that we were working a year and half on! It took 6 months to get through it. And now we are scrambling to figure out what to work on next. It has been an amazing process.

I remember how happy I was when he got to move out of his therapy room, that his behavior had gotten good enough that he could be in the general population. I remember wondering what it would be like to have a child that works from one of the cubicles, instead of the room. Now I know. And then I wondered who would get James' old room.

I met him earlier this week. He is a big, non verbal boy, about 12 I think. His mother came to pick him and he attacked her in the lobby. Everybody flew into action, protecting her, her son, me and my son. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. I marvel at the ability of these techs to be able to do this day in and day out with blinking an eye. Their dedication to helping these children and their families, at often great personal risk to themselves, is so admirable.

I then realized that this could have been Sweet Smoochie if we had waited any longer to get him intervention. I was overwhelmed with gratitude to the Lord for putting us on this path earlier, for all the techs who are doing their vocation, and that He woke me up to trust Him to put my child there full time. He will always work things out to His greater glory!!!!

Please pray for the new boy in Therapy Room 1. That he will respond as well as Smoochie so that he can live a good life with his family.

I know I am!

a good mother would.....

Another one....

Another one of my children becomes a legal adult today.

Half of my 6 are now adults.

How. did. that. happen????

Our beautiful daughter turns 18 today. I see her coming out of her shell, being more and more self confident and self aware. She is growing more self assured in her opinions and direction.

I really wish she didn't have such an over bearing mother!!! Maybe she would have gotten there a lot earlier.

Happy Birthday sweet, sweet Bella. My princess, my "pink", my only girl.

God Bless you today and always sweet baby girl!

straight line

have you ever noticed how busy moms get from point A to point B in a straight line? And usually rushing? And never noticing the roses, let alone stopping to smell them?

A child with autism doesn't travel in straight lines. They wonder over the curb to hear their feet crunch the rocks in the median. Then they have to a walk in the grass, well because it isn't the side walk. They have to grab the low hanging branches from the tree and kick the mulch at the door. All the while missing the side walk and not lined up with the door entrance. Suddenly he'll stop and look at you like, "what, you want me to walk in the building?"

Whether it's -18 below, sunny and 90 degrees, sleeting, snow, or thunderstorm down pour, there is never, and I mean NEVER a straight line from point A to point B.

Last Thursday I was in a hurry and I walked my straight line from the van door to the entrance, with a brisk walk, on the sidewalk, to. the. door. Like normal people. I was agitated that my son was NOT walking the straight line. He had done all the things I had described above. I was in a hurry and not happy that little mr. was not following the plan and "getting on with business" and that is when it hit me.

He doesn't walk in straight lines and probably never will. That is why I always, almost always, build tons of time into when we go everywhere so that I can get in my straight line and he can, well....not.

I was grateful that I intuitively knew this and didn't spend a lot of time trying to make my boy convert to a "straight liner". I just watch and wonder what is going on in his mind that he has to do all these things different things from point A to point B. That the destination doesn't matter, but all the things that you fit in along the way, even if it is just 50 steps on a sidewalk, from the van to the front door. That is what matters.

In that one morning my 9 yr old "disabled" son taught me more than my 50 yrs of "typical" experience.

I can't wait to see what else he teaches me.

a good mother would.

young adults

2!!! Count em. 2!!!

It's official.

I am the proud parent of 2 young, legal, adults.

T-Rex turned 21 years old last week.

And if I were the typical American parent, I would be "done" with parenting. I would have 2 young men out on their own, leaving me and my husband to our empty nest.

No more massive laundry, grocery bills, evening practices, events, school meetings.

That would be all over, finished.

Thank you Sweet Jesus, that you gave me the grace to not be that!!!!

Where would I be without these next 4 not-young-legal-adult people????

I am so grateful that my parenting isn't over!!!!

a good mother would!

not forgotten.....

I was 39 when our daughter died.

In today's society I was "irresponsible" for being pregnant "again" when I already had 5 children. With 2 of them being special needs, and being "old & tired" in the "high risk" pregnancy category, I should never had "wanted" or "tried" to have another child.

I didn't care.

The more the merrier was my motto.

And the joy, oh the joy, when we found out it was another girl after our string of boys!!!

I had never looked forward to having a child as much as I had with that one!! The one that society said I was "blah, blah, blah" to have. Oh, how I still want her!!!!

Today is the 10 year anniversary of the day that a link in our family was broken. It is still in tact in God's time, but here on earth we are missing a daughter, sister, our baby girl.

It isn't acceptable to say in polite society that I'm the mother of 10 with 6 still living. I know. I've tried. People absolutely freak out when you say it. But the missing children are not forgotten. Even though I'm the only one in the family that "knew" them, even my knowledge of them is fleeting. We don't know what they would have liked, or looked like, or grown to be. But they are members of our family, and are not forgotten.

So I look at little girls in the 4th grade and wonder who she would have been friends with, what her interests would have been, how the older sons and daughter would have been with a little sister. What would it be like to have a 10 year old girl living in my home?

It wasn't meant to be.

And even though I don't have all those answers, or knowledge, or the fulfillment of those hopes and dreams for that dear little daughter, she is still very much a presence in my family.

Surely absent, but not forgotten, and still loved.

Uncharitable

My dad fell off a step stool on Memorial Day weekend.

After 3 hours in the ER, we found out that he had a lumbar compression fracture. Basically one of his vertebra collapsed. His pain tolerance was remarkable, admirable, and enviable. Too bad men can't give birth, cause he would totally be rockin that pain!!!!

I have been making the trip to my home town once a week to check up on my parents. My mother's health isn't great either and I have now entered care taker mode of elderly parents. I am so grateful that they have been independent up to this point, since my youngest is now 9. I have much more time to be able to be split between 2 households.

Yesterday I made my visit. While in the house helping my mom, we heard the lawn mower going. It was my father, 3 weeks into recovery of a broken back, mowing. the. lawn.

I. WAS. FURIOUS.

1. That was one of the reasons I came down. And I brought the 12 yr old to teach him.

2. Dad isn't healed yet, isn't supposed to lift anything over 10 pounds, let alone push a mower! He just got released to drive!

3. I felt that it was very reckless and could have caused further damage.

I prayed and prayed for the rights words to let my father know how unhappy I was with his choice.

I should have prayed some more.

I'm pretty sure I wasn't charitable, or respectful, to my father. Who is struggling with pain, humiliation, and loss of some independence. It can't be easy to realize that you are now old and being told what to do and don't do, by other people.

Not much of a Happy Father's Day present.

I'll apologize today when I call him.

a good daughter would!

I'm leaving

Going on retreat today!

WOOO WHOOO!!!

20 of us are going to the local shrine of Venerable Solanus Casey and spending the night.

It was an epic Lent, Easter and now octave of Pentecost.  Insanely blessed beyond any reasoning of deserving such graces.

I'll be praying!!!!

So many needs for so many souls and I'm so lazy! I shouldn't have to go away to be this committed to prayer! I hope this retreat helps me to get better with that.

Let me gain the graces to be the saint I was made to be!!!!

Precious Paper

We went to the 8th grade recognition banquet this week.

You know the ones. Where all the brightest, gifted, athletic kids get recognized for being the brightest, gifted and athletic. Nothing like getting kudos for doing what you were made to do, for using your God given talents in the manner that He meant for them to be used.

We sat there for 2 and half hours as the same kids were hauled up in front of the group of parents. And I was happy for them. But I also watched as my son's shoulders sank lower with each passing moment of award after award and his name wasn't called. And I felt badly that I hadn't anticipated this. All of our other children have gotten a couple of awards and I thought he would be the same.

I thought wrong.

This sweet, sweet, Godly boy, who works so hard to be like everybody else, didn't get to walk up front countless times. This child who couldn't walk on stairs correctly, who couldn't talk, or write, or etc, etc, etc didn't get lots of "atta boys". How far this boy has taken all of his "couldn'ts" and made them "coulds". And yet there was no recognition for that. No, this boy who works so hard and has come so far for straight Bs and to have friends and to manage being part of our society didn't get what everybody else got.

Nope. Nada. Nothing.

But all those "talented" kids doing what their supposed to be doing? Let the praise rain down!

There is one piece of paper that this young man child did receive, however.

He got the Integrity Award.

The teachers' awarded him a high honor. In my opinion the highest honor of the night. "For always choosing to do what is right".

While all the other children were being honored for all they DO, my son got honored for who he IS.

He may not have been impressed with "just one lousy piece of paper after 8 years of work", but I was grateful. I would rather have that piece of paper than a social studies award, or being number 1 in the class. It shows his true character, his drive, his gentility, and his perseverance.

I am so proud of this young man and I am glad to be called his mother.

A good mother would!

End of An Era

The big, green, McBride bus is gone today.

It had been hanging around, unused, for the better part of 2 years. It was the back up vehicle when the "regular" van was in the shop, or if I were hauling a bunch of people, or helping friends move . But other than that, she was parked, faithfully waiting for when she would be needed again.

I. LOVED. that. van.

All 6 of the children rode in it to countless trips back and forth between schools. Which, some years, was up to 5 different buildings! I have no idea how many newspapers were delivered, trips to the zoo, family camping trips, boy and girl scout outings, church retreats, and school field trips that van went on in the 8 years we had it. But they are some of the most joyeous memories I have. And they were all contained in that silly, big, old van!

That is why I hung on to her for so long. She might be needed again for some fun, exciting excursion. As long as all 6 kids are hanging around, we might need to go somewhere!

But a funny thing happened. Those 6 kids are growing up. Even if they are still living at home, they aren't all going to same place at the same time anymore. And 3 of the 6 can drive themselves with a 4th coming on early next year. I'm not needed to make sure they get where they need to be any longer. So neither is the van needed.

The McBride bus is now the Bedwell bus. A young family with 5 sweet little ones still in car seats, in desperate need of the all the room Big Green has to offer, now will make their own special memories with the van. 

As I watched them drive off with happy smiles last night, I was a little sad to see my van drive away filled with someone else's babies. I realized that mine are all grown up. That my era of those types of memories is coming to a close. 

When one era ends, another begins and there is a reason for the season of life. This new one is just as sweet, albeit wildly different, than the demanding early years. I'm blessed beyond compare and so grateful for the new memories and events coming to me in the future.

So, you are called to service once again Big Green! Enjoy it as much as they will enjoy you! Carry the Bedwell family as safely as you did us, serve them well. Many, many, more happy memories shall fill the space between your wheels again!

Thank you for a job well done and the precious treasure of memories with which you have left me. 

God speed Big Green, God speed!

epic day

It was a beautifully cool day here yesterday. Lots of sunshine and comfortable breezes. Most of the leaves are out and there is starting to be plenty of shade.

The Beloved Spouse came home from mass in a really good mood and said, "What is our outdoor plan for today children?"

The Right Hand Man spouted out, "Go to the zoo." (He was getting ready for work and I think he secretly wanted to go with us! How many 22 year olds suggest the zoo as an outing for their families??? LOVE that young man!)

So we did.

It was crazy busy. Apparently the whole city had the same idea we did!

We "borrowed" a wheelchair for Smoochie and we made it through the entire zoo. It was a spectacular visit. Made a DQ run on the way home.

Buggie proceeds to say, "Mom, what a great day this is."

T-Rex bought pizza for dinner so I wouldn't have to cook.

Wickers says, "Mom, what a great day this is."

sigh.....

Was it Mother's Day again? Because this is the kind of day you expect on Mother's Day. I suppose that made it even sweeter because it wasn't a day manufactured out of obligatory sentiment, but a true desire to spend family time on beautiful spring day.

I recognize that I am eternally blessed and grateful....

a good mother would!

I changed.

Before Lent I was a facebook, blog reading, radio listening junkie.

I was never quiet, never without a screen in front of my face, or noise in the background.

I limited my facebook time and turned off the radio. It took the children 5 weeks to discover that I wasn't listening to the radio. But I noticed it right away. I was annoyed by the silence.

Then through lent, I changed. I craved the silence. Be still and know that I am God is a real need in our lives. I began to notice a change in our house. The TV was getting turned off often. And no one seemed to mind.

I stopped "needing" to be caught up on facebook and all of the blogs I follow. I came to realize that it isn't a need at all, only a very bad habitual want.

Thanks to lent I no longer have this "need". My focus has shifted to the quiet and contemplative. I am changed to work towards being more Christ like.

I rejoice in a fruitful lent because.....

a good mother would!

He's not ready

In 2 weeks Right Hand Man will be 22 years old.

That, of course, means that I will have been parenting for 23 years. Seriously. How did that happen???

I watch this man work,  go to school, hang out with his friends, help his mom, and still play with his little brothers. I couldn't be more proud.

A lot of people, in fact probably the majority of parents, send their 18 year old, newly graduated, children out the door for college. Some of these kids aren't ready. I can't help but wonder if the majority aren't.

Our son made the wise decision to live at home while going to school and work, trying to do the whole thing debt free. It was wise because he didn't know what he wanted to do when he grew up and has changed his mind 3 times. And has had the luxury of being able to do so. Away at school and racking up huge debt would have locked him into a field that wasn't a good match. He has had some freedom and he has bought his own car. I couldn't be more proud.

He is interviewing for a different position for another company. It will pay much better. He should be wrapping up with a degree at some point. He is very vague about offering up that information! I asked him if he was ready to leave home. His answer?

"Mom, I'm not going any where".

YAY!

As I watch him hang out with his siblings, I have reached the conclusion that he is just not ready to leave us all behind. He still needs our love and our support up close and in a very personal manner. If he goes from our home directly to a new household with his wife, I would be very proud.

He is my helper, the leader of our pack. He can stay as long as he wishes, or until he is ready. Which I hope is none too soon!

a good mother would!

Parenting fail!

Smoochie did break his leg.  BS took care of the whole thing on Friday while I was grocery shopping and getting the van repaired.  He beat me home!

The boy has a cast from his toes to the middle of his thigh. He won't, or can't, use crutches. I'll bet it's a little of both.

We left on Sunday, just like planned. We put Smoochie on the luggage cart to get him up to our rooms. That was some quick thinking on my part! The resort called the nearest Walgreen's and we were able to rent a wheelchair for the week.

Sounds great so far, doesn't it? Are you wondering about our epic parenting failure?

I'll give you a clue: swimming pool.

The boy was getting a little ripe after the stress of injury, casting, traveling and no bathing for 6 days AND he wanted to go swimming, really, really, really badly. So I got on the Internet and researched how to water proof a cast.

I felt confident that a towel duct taped to the top of his cast, with a trash bag duct taped to that with another bag duct taped over all of that would work. It.said.so.on.the.internet.

Liars.

That didn't work. It wasn't a tiny failure, a "little bit wet".  It was SOAKED!

Water pooling under the wheelchair soaked.

I was hysterically crying. I had visions of this child's skin rotting off from not being able to get dry. It took me an hour to recover.

I called our doctor and got instructions on what to do. We were able to get to a doctor in Tennessee who x rayed him, cut off the old cast, and had him in a dry cast in 2 hours flat.

Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.

A good mother would.....NOT! :)

injured

Sweet Smoochie had a significant accident at the clinic today.

His swing collapsed and he caught his foot under it. He will not walk. At all.

Thankfully the tech carried him out to the car and Right Hand Man was home to help me get him out.

There isn't a lot of swelling. Yet. But he is in intense pain. Moaning. A lot.

We are supposed to leave on vacation on Sunday. Going to the Smokies to hike.

Yeah.

That's going to go well.

Sigh.

My poor sweet baby is in pain. Further medical treatment, like x rays and braces will be a nightmare for this child. And me.

Please Lord, let him feel better tomorrow! Please let this be a simple thing so this sweet child won't have to suffer more!

That is my prayer because that is how a....

a good mother would.

shopping cart

T-Rex has gotten an entry level position with Walmart bringing the carts in from the parking lot.

The store is so big that they have 2 people on every shift that have to bring the carts into the corral so shoppers have them to grab before they walk into the store.

Carts are not a renewable resource!

Who knew?!?!

I have taken it for granted all these years, never given it another thought at all, on how shopping carts got back to the store for me to grab when I needed to shop.

So I didn't think about who it would impact when I chose not to put it back in the corral and just leave it in the parking lot.

I didn't think about who had to go out in the rain, sleet, snow, and cold to bring carts inside so it would be dry for my merchandise. I just knew to be annoyed when it wasn't there, or when it wasn't dry.

I now have appreciation for the people who do that.

It is my son.

I apologize for my rudeness for all these years of not even trying to think about how the carts got back in the store. What, were there some cart elves that magically brought them back in???

I apologize for every rude and frustrated thought I had about how wet, or cold, my cart was after you worked so hard to bring it in.

I promise to ALWAYS put my cart away from this point forward and when you pass me with a row of carts going back into the store, you will get a smile and thank you.

a good mother would!

Missing

Right Hand Man is gone on spring break this week.

I miss him. Beloved Spouse does as well. He said, "I was thinking about him today. I miss him. This is what it will be like when he goes for real".

We've had him around for 22 years and I'm still not ready for him to leave. I hope he goes right from our house to the house he shares with his wife. He's got a pretty sweet gig here, so I don't think he is any hurry to leave.

My fear now is that they will all start leaving at the same time. The daughter graduates next year, the next boy 3years after that. Then Wickers follows him out 3years later. 3 kids in 6 years. It seems like a long time on paper, but in time, not so much.

But it certainly isn't tomorrow, so I should stop thinking about it, and live in the moment of today.

I'll start by getting ready for the return of the first born and be grateful he still wants to come home!  

A good mother would!