relief...

Things have been a little tense around here.

The Beloved Spouse and I are both discerning making employment changes. T-Rex was finally fired from Wal Mart and we got the other 3 into school. Right hand man seems to be thinking about making some changes, but hasn't. Smoochie has been doing his "thing".

Until this week.

Right Hand man got so drunk Tuesday night that he blacked out. He left a mess in the bathroom that thankfully the BS found before the other kids did. Wednesday morning at staff my boss tried to throw me under the bus. I didn't go willingingly, which surely was a surprise to no one.  Wednesday night Smoochie decided to run a fever and I was up from 2:30 am onward. Thursday morning, after I had no sleep, BS decided to go all cray cray on me.

It. was. ugly.

After an apology and  him leaving for work with both of us crying, I prayed and prayed at prayer group that morning. Thank goodness for holy,catholic, women friends!!!!

The BS and I went out to dinner Thursday night and worked out the issues. And had some make up martial relations. It kinda made me sad that we don't fight more often!

After dinner we came to the conclusion for which position BS should accept. What. a. relief!!!!!!

He is walking around today with world OFF his shoulders. I, too, have a tremendous sense of peace. This is the right decision for our family and I don't think we would both have such a sense of relief it were the wrong one.

No matter what happens, the Lord is in charge and it will be His will that will be done. He's got this.

So I'll just continue to be relieved!

A good mother would!

blind

I can't see.

That isn't entirely true.

I see badly.

I hate wearing glasses and now that I will need bifocals, I won't be able to wear contacts because of astigmatism. I'm seeing badly because of vanity. I refuse to wear glasses.

It is now affecting my life. At work, driving, writing, reading, you name it, I'm blind.

It is getting to the point where the ability to see is over coming my loathing of glasses.

I'll post pictures when I finally break down and get some.

It won't be long now....

it begins again....

Another school year has started.

The tight schedule, the demands of "Mom, sign this" and "Mom, I need this" with the occasional, "Mom, buy this" have begun.

How I loathe it.

This year was different. The kids looked through the school supply box and let me know what they needed because it wasn't in there. I made a list, bought it all and put it on the table. They picked out what they needed, put in their book bags and were finished. It was done.

I didn't check it. Not once.

It was a lot of fun to see them be accountable. And a whole lot easier on me!

My daughter will be driving them back and forth to school. I won't have to make a morning school run ever again. Or so I thought. And then my daughter's car broke down and now I have to drive them again.

I am so glad!!!

Making that drive was more important to me than I realized. I knew I would miss it. I just didn't know how much, until it was gone!!!!

So grateful for their independence and for the ability to drive, for a little while longer!!!!

a good mother would!

it was there.....

The more time I spend time with little ones, the more obvious it is to me that I missed it.

Smoochie exhibited the early signs of autism.

I missed it, or ignored it. But it was there.

There are probably many reasons for my ignoring  missing it. He was the youngest. Everybody helped him, spoke for him and generally love the "baby". His pregnancy and birth almost killed me and I couldn't believe that this perfect, wanted, baby could be less than perfect. God wouldn't do that to me again.

As I spend time with my 18 month old God-daughter and I see how bright and aware she is, I realize that I didn't see that in James. He made eye contact with me, but he didn't see me. He had great gross motor skills, so there weren't delays to set off alarm bells there. He wasn't sickly, and only really screamed at night. He cooed on cue, blew raspberries, gurgled and had 12 words at 12 months.

But then something went wrong. It all stopped. And it can't be vaccines because I don't vaccinate.

I remember a sliver of concern, a nagging doubt. But toddlers all develop at different rates and there weren't any alarm bells, so it'll be ok. He'll catch up, out grow this phase.

The mother who vowed to NEVER let another person/doctor tell her that one of her disabled sons is "going through a phase" told herself it was a phase.

I don't know why I have come to this realization now, 8 years later. Is it affirmation in his diagnosis? Is it time to grieve what was lost? It is a step towards acceptance? Why am I just now seeing what was obvious in the past????

It is painful to see these little ones and with each trip I see more and more that we missed with James.

And I am sad because of it.

However, no intervention would have stopped him from being disabled. It just would have gotten him earlier.

I need to accept it was there...

a good mother would....

it could have been

Sweet Smoochie is making so much progress at the clinic.

Since going full time in January he has blown through his goals that we were working a year and half on! It took 6 months to get through it. And now we are scrambling to figure out what to work on next. It has been an amazing process.

I remember how happy I was when he got to move out of his therapy room, that his behavior had gotten good enough that he could be in the general population. I remember wondering what it would be like to have a child that works from one of the cubicles, instead of the room. Now I know. And then I wondered who would get James' old room.

I met him earlier this week. He is a big, non verbal boy, about 12 I think. His mother came to pick him and he attacked her in the lobby. Everybody flew into action, protecting her, her son, me and my son. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. I marvel at the ability of these techs to be able to do this day in and day out with blinking an eye. Their dedication to helping these children and their families, at often great personal risk to themselves, is so admirable.

I then realized that this could have been Sweet Smoochie if we had waited any longer to get him intervention. I was overwhelmed with gratitude to the Lord for putting us on this path earlier, for all the techs who are doing their vocation, and that He woke me up to trust Him to put my child there full time. He will always work things out to His greater glory!!!!

Please pray for the new boy in Therapy Room 1. That he will respond as well as Smoochie so that he can live a good life with his family.

I know I am!

a good mother would.....

Another one....

Another one of my children becomes a legal adult today.

Half of my 6 are now adults.

How. did. that. happen????

Our beautiful daughter turns 18 today. I see her coming out of her shell, being more and more self confident and self aware. She is growing more self assured in her opinions and direction.

I really wish she didn't have such an over bearing mother!!! Maybe she would have gotten there a lot earlier.

Happy Birthday sweet, sweet Bella. My princess, my "pink", my only girl.

God Bless you today and always sweet baby girl!

straight line

have you ever noticed how busy moms get from point A to point B in a straight line? And usually rushing? And never noticing the roses, let alone stopping to smell them?

A child with autism doesn't travel in straight lines. They wonder over the curb to hear their feet crunch the rocks in the median. Then they have to a walk in the grass, well because it isn't the side walk. They have to grab the low hanging branches from the tree and kick the mulch at the door. All the while missing the side walk and not lined up with the door entrance. Suddenly he'll stop and look at you like, "what, you want me to walk in the building?"

Whether it's -18 below, sunny and 90 degrees, sleeting, snow, or thunderstorm down pour, there is never, and I mean NEVER a straight line from point A to point B.

Last Thursday I was in a hurry and I walked my straight line from the van door to the entrance, with a brisk walk, on the sidewalk, to. the. door. Like normal people. I was agitated that my son was NOT walking the straight line. He had done all the things I had described above. I was in a hurry and not happy that little mr. was not following the plan and "getting on with business" and that is when it hit me.

He doesn't walk in straight lines and probably never will. That is why I always, almost always, build tons of time into when we go everywhere so that I can get in my straight line and he can, well....not.

I was grateful that I intuitively knew this and didn't spend a lot of time trying to make my boy convert to a "straight liner". I just watch and wonder what is going on in his mind that he has to do all these things different things from point A to point B. That the destination doesn't matter, but all the things that you fit in along the way, even if it is just 50 steps on a sidewalk, from the van to the front door. That is what matters.

In that one morning my 9 yr old "disabled" son taught me more than my 50 yrs of "typical" experience.

I can't wait to see what else he teaches me.

a good mother would.